Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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