alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
