ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
