The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
