Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
