Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Randomize
