i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
