It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Randomize
