Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Randomize
