some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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