I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
