Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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