i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I miss vodka workout Fridays
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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