my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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