i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
