Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Randomize
