We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
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