someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
