I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
