yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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