News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
