he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
