No stitches, just platelets and will power
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
