I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
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