u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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