she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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