I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
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