So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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