I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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