I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
