I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
