I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
