I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
