She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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