see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
