When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize
