I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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