Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
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