a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
me + whiskey = a bad person
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
