Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
