Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
