I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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