I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
