Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
