I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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