you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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