i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
