didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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