a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
