I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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