Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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