Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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