Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
