I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
