Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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