New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
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