I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
