my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
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