i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize