he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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