dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize
