i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
