I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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