Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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