watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Randomize
