remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
