Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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