If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
